


I Don't Know How To Love

by Vladimir_Kalblood_Winthrop



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Era, Canonical Character Death, Character's Name Spelled as Hanji, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, My First Fanfic, No Smut, POV Third Person, Physical Abuse, Pining Levi, Tags Are Hard, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-02 15:36:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5253686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vladimir_Kalblood_Winthrop/pseuds/Vladimir_Kalblood_Winthrop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi treats Eren horribly. He works Eren so hard that the young Titan Shifter loses all hope. But, little does Eren know that Levi's harsh treatment is actually to try to hide his feelings for the boy. Levi doesn't know how to deal with his emotions and Eren doesn't know how to deal with Levi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Impressions

**Author's Note:**

> Damn I just re read this and realized how bad it is. The writing is alright I suppose but it's not at the same level that I try to hold myself to. I'm not going to delete it though because I like to be able to look back and see how I've grown as a writer. Y'all can read it if you want but know that my layer works are better in my opinion. Regardless, enjoy!

People called Levi a jerk. They called him cold. They called him heartless. Yes, he could at times be all of these things, but it wasn’t because he was mean or because he liked to cause people pain. It was because he was scared. He was scared to get close to people. Scared to lose people. Scared to love.

Eren had always been a happy boy. He loved his family. He loved his friends. He loved his life. He understood that any of these things could be taken away from him at any moment, understood that the Titans would always be looming over his happy life, but he refused to let that take away from his joy. If he let the Titans take over his emotions, then they would have won. Eren would not let the Titans win.  
After his mother died and his father left him, Eren was crushed. But his mother had given her life to make sure that Eren and Mikasa survived. Eren would not let her death crush his spirits. He would not let the Titans beat her. He would not let the Titans win.  
And then, at the battle of Trost, Eren learned that he could shift into Titan form. He could become one of those monsters. He was a monster. And Eren was crushed. But Mikasa and Armin still loved him. And the Scout Regiment gave him a second chance to live and to learn to control his powers. So Eren would not let his own disfigurement crush his spirits. He would not let the Titan within him beat him. He would not let the Titans win.

The first time that Levi saw Eren clearly was at the trial after the battle of Trost. As he slapped the boy senseless, Levi could not help noticing how beautiful Eren was. He was especially drawn to the boy’s large green eyes. They were full of so much hope, so much life, but still reflected the pain and sorrow from all that the boy had lost. How could such a monster be so beautiful? Eren’s eyes widened in confusion and pain as Levi beat him, and Levi’s heart broke in two.

Idiot, Levi thought to himself. The boy is a monster… An attractive monster…

At first, Eren was horrified that Corporal Levi, his childhood hero, was slapping him silly. But after the older man explained that he had to do so in order to prove a point, Eren didn’t mind.

Anyways, Eren thought the night after the trial as he settled down in the basement of the castle to get some rest; it was nice having his face so close to mine… He really is quite attractive. Even if I could never have someone like Levi, and he’d never want me, I can still admire him! Eren smiled to himself, picturing the Corporal’s piercing grey eyes as he drifted off to sleep.

 

“Wake up brat!” Levi called, early the next morning. Eren jumped to attention, saluting the Corporal with hands in front of and behind his heart. “I want you to clean the entire castle. Dust every corner of every room. Scrub the bathrooms. Mop the kitchens. And when you’re done, do it again. Your pathetic eyes will probably have missed something. Don’t stop until you’re done. Then, come to me for inspection.”  
“What about breakfast, sir?” Eren asked.  
Levi scowled at the taller boy. “No food until you’ve completed cleaning. The castle is disgusting.”  
“Yes, sir,” Eren replied, stomach growling as he spoke. Perhaps it’s a training technique, he thought as he got to work on an empty stomach. However, as he got to work scrubbing the castle, he noticed that nobody else seemed to be participating in the same chore. In fact, as Eren made his way to the dining hall to sweep, he found that Levi’s entire squad was seated at a table talking and joking as they ate breakfast. What the hell! Eren thought in annoyance. Why am I the only one who has to work all morning!  
“Eren!” Hanji called to him from the table. “Did you already eat? I didn’t see you come down!”  
“Not yet,” Eren replied slowly. “Corporal Levi wanted me to finish cleaning the castle first.”  
“Awh, no fair, that’ll take you all day! Come and eat a little something first!”  
“Thank you,” Eren said gratefully. He filled a plate and sat down between Hanji and Petra. He had barely taken a single bit before the short Corporal walked into the room, his eyes expressionless as always. He looked around before his eyes locked with Eren’s and he frowned.  
“Brat!” Levi barked. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Do you mean to tell me that you’ve finished cleaning already?”  
“No sir!” Eren responded nervously. “But Hanji told me to eat first and-“  
“Do I look like I give a shit? Get up! I don’t want to see your pathetic little face until the castle is spotless!”  
“Yes sir.” Eren stood and quickly left the room, hiding his hurt expression with the broom he had just retrieved.

Levi scowled and sat in the spot Eren had just vacated.  
“Why are you so mean to him, Levi?” Hanji asked.  
“I’m mean to everyone,” Levi replied indifferently.  
“Yes but you’ve been especially hard on Eren,” Petra interjected from Levi’s other side. “He’s been through a lot. I can’t imagine what it must be like to wake up one day and realize that everyone thinks you’re a monster!”  
“He is a monster!” Levi insisted.  
“Levi! Of all people, I thought you’d be more understanding!” Petra exclaimed. “It’s not like he asked to be like this. And he’s still fighting against the Titans, so what right do we have to harass him?”  
“Tch,” was all Levi could say.


	2. Repetition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life continues as Eren and Levi try to sort through their feelings.

Every day was the same. Levi would wake Eren up before the sun had even risen and force him to clean every inch of the castle before he could eat. Then, the boy trained for hours after lunch, studied strategies for a few more hours, and then practiced controlling his Titan form until he passed out from exhaustion. The only time that Eren got to see his friends was at evening meals, and he was so drained by then that he was unable to focus on the conversation.

 

“Brat!” the Corporal barked one afternoon a few weeks after Eren had joined the regiment. “What the hell was that? Did I say twenty-five pushups then flop onto the floor?”

“No, Corporal,” Eren sighed. He was completely drained. The two of them had been outside in the harsh heat for hours as Levi watched Eren train. The boy had already completed five hundred sit-ups, five hundred pull-ups, and two hours of hand to hand combat training. Now, he was in a heap on the dusty floor, scowling up at the Corporal.

“Well? What are you doing just staring at me? Get up and do it again!” Levi demanded.

“No,” Eren said.

“Excuse me?”

“No,” he repeated. “I’ve been working nonstop for weeks! I’ve trained harder than anyone else in the entire division. I’ve done everything that you said as soon as you said it without a second thought. But I can’t do it anymore! I’m taking a break.”

Levi’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “Are you disobeying an order?” the Corporal growled softly.

“Yes,” Eren said stubbornly. Levi had never seen this side of Eren before. Usually, the boy did whatever he said with almost puppy-like obedience. If Levi was being perfectly honest with himself it was actually quite endearing. But, as many of Eren’s close friends knew, this kind of behavior generally only lasted for so long before Eren’s hot headed, stubborn, strong-willed side came out. Eren was not an easily controlled marshmallow, but Levi was only just starting to see this side of him.

“Shitty brat, where the hell did this come from? Get up and get back to work!”

“No. Corporal, you’re being unreasonable. It doesn’t make sense for you to work me this hard. By the time we go on a real mission, I’ll be so exhausted that I’ll pass out before I even see a titan! Don’t get me wrong, killing titans is my dream. I _will_ kill them all! But this kind of training is not going to help me reach that goal, ” Eren said resolutely.

 _Damn!_ Levi thought. _He was always attractive, but now he’s strong and passionate too. He’s the whole package! Fuck, what am I thinking?_

“I-I…” Levi took a deep breath, trying to compose himself and then his face regained its normal disinterested façade. His expression twisted into one of pure rage. _How dare that brat try to undermine my authority with his god damn attractive face?! I can’t have myself thinking like this!_

Eren barely had time to brace himself before the Corporal swung an enraged punch at the boy’s face. He hit Eren again and again until blood was oozing from the teen’s nose and mouth. His right eye was swelling up in an ugly shade of bluish black. Levi was out of control. His eyes were glazed over in an animalistic fury. Finally, he seemed to snap out of it.

 _What the hell just happened?!_ Levi stood up immediately, but didn’t apologize to Eren for losing control. Instead, he said, “You’re filthy. Go take a shower, then go get dinner.” Eren stared at his superior in absolute horror. The Corporal had always been rough on Eren, and even mean, but he had never done anything like this. Eren slowly stood and limped to the showers, avoiding eye contact with Levi.

 _What’s wrong with me?_ Levi thought. _I’ve never beaten a soldier like that! The shitty brat looked like he was about to pass out! What would cause me to do that? I didn’t even really feel like I was in control of myself… Well, it’s his own damn fault. The brat keeps trying to break down all of my walls! I have them there for a reason! I wouldn’t be Humanity’s Strongest if I got all sentimental over every little thing! I have to keep my emotions under control if I want to be able to survive in this world full of titans! I’ve always managed to stay distant. So then why does the brat make me feel so… alive?_  

 

Eren was angry. He was angrier than he had felt in a long time. As soon as he had gotten himself cleaned up and his wounds had begun to feel a bit better (thank god for his titan healing powers!) he stormed down to his room and paced back and forth, gnashing his teeth and trying to figure out what right Levi had to treat him the way that he did.

 _I just don’t get it!_ Eren fumed. _It’s not like I’ve given him any reason to hate me! I mean, sometimes I’m a bit slow to follow orders or I talk back, but lots of cadets do that! I mean, I haven’t seen Jean come to dinner with a fucking black eye! And he’s way more annoying than I am! I was wrong about the Scout Regiment. I thought that it was where the people who really wanted to get things done went. I thought this was where people really made a difference. But no, it’s just as bad as the Military Police. People abuse their power and do whatever the fuck they want._

Eren sat down on his bed and cupped his face into his hands. The titan shifter had always seemed to be able to turn difficult situations around. When his mother died, he used her death to motivate him to become stronger. When his father abandoned him, he saw it as a chance to embrace his new powers and join the military. Even when everything fell apart at Trost, he still had Mikasa and Armin to follow him until the end. But now, he felt empty. There was no positive way to turn this situation. There was no other opportunity.

_For some reason, the worst part is that it’s Levi, Humanity’s Strongest, who’s causing all of this! It’s not like it’s just some random team leader who let the power get to his head. This is my childhood hero, the one who inspired me to join the Scout Regiment in the first place! He’s always seemed so powerful and determined. I’ve seen him talking to the other cadets and motivating them to keep pushing forward, seen him thanking dying soldiers as he assures them that they will give him the strength to keep moving forward, but then he sees me and immediately switches to harsh, violent tendencies. If he was like that to everyone, then maybe I could understand, but with everyone else, he’s just so… perfect… I mean, he has a short temper, but then, so do I… Whenever I see him, my heart skips a beat, but then when he turns to me, that breathless feeling turns to panic! I just don’t know what to do._

Eren sighed as his stomach growled. He slowly stood and trudged up to the dining hall for dinner. He sat next to Mikasa and Armin without a word.

“Eren!” Mikasa cried when she noticed him. “Where were you? Why are you so late? And- Ohmygod Eren what happened to your face? Was it that Levi? Is he mistreating you?”

Levi looked up from the next table when he heard Mikasa exclaim. He scowled at the girl. From what he had heard, she was very protective of the brat, and when Eren told her how he had gotten the bruises, Levi confident that the girl would immediately proceed to attacking him. Although Levi knew that he could take the girl easily, he wasn’t really in the mood for a fight, not to mention the paperwork afterward would be a nightmare. He sighed, preparing himself for the inevitable.

“Oh, ah, don’t worry about it, Mikasa, it’s nothing like that,” Eren said drowsily. “I, erm, tripped on my way down to the basement and fell down the stairs. “

Mikasa frowned suspiciously. “Hmm, if you’re sure. You know I’ll punch him for you, right? But honestly,  they really shouldn’t be keeping you down there! You could have really gotten yourself seriously hurt!”

“It’s fine, Mikasa. My titan healing powers will have all of the bruises gone by the morning.”

By this point, Levi had stopped paying attention to the conversation. He furrowed his brow ever so slightly in confusion. Why had to boy lied to Mikasa? What could he possibly stand to gain by covering for him?

 

After dinner, Eren returned to his room yet again and collapsed into his bed. He was still upset from the incident from earlier, but his rage from before had subsided. Now, he was mostly just confused as he puzzled over the day’s events.

_Why didn’t I tell Mikasa the truth? I guess it’s because I know that she would beat the shit out of Levi if she knew that he did it. But why should I care? Levi’s been nothing but a jerk to me through all of my training. But, he’s seemed fair to everyone else that he’s worked with. I guess I must deserve it, then. That’s the only possible explanation. Levi is a smart guy, after all. He wouldn’t treat me the way he does for no reason. I just have to trust him. Even if its pulling me apart._


	3. Bad Timing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanji tries to comfort Levi.

Nothing seemed to improve. After the punishment following his previous insubordination, Eren stopped disobeying orders. He took everything that the Corporal told him to heart. However, the more that Levi treated Eren like he was nothing, the more the boy began to believe it. He truly thought that he was just another worthless pawn in the army’s game to defeat the titans. He was nothing special.

 

Nothing seemed to improve. Levi had been sure that if he treated Eren like he was nothing, then maybe he would actually believe it. Maybe he could finally push away these feelings and desires that he felt whenever the boy was around. But it didn’t work. If anything, he just felt himself falling for the boy even more. Somehow, Eren managed to continue pushing forward, improving in his training and getting all of his work done even with Levi bullying him at every possible moment. Eren was stronger than Levi had ever expected. But still, each time Levi saw him, the titan shifter visibly shrank back, a look of dull acceptance on his face as he awaited the usual verbal abuse. Levi wasn’t sure how much longer the boy would take it; nor was he sure how much longer _he_ could continue to treat Eren so horribly without breaking down himself. But he didn’t know what else he could do.

 

One afternoon, Levi was walking down the hall of the headquarters when Hanji rounded on him.

“Levi!” she cried angrily.

“What the hell, Hanji? You look like someone just killed your puppy!”

“What is wrong with you?” she exclaimed, ignoring Levi’s comment.

“What do you mean?” the corporal replied.

“Don’t you play dumb with me. Eren came into the infirmary today with so many bruises and cuts on his body that his titan powers couldn’t heal him fast enough. “

Levi’s eyes widened for a moment in surprise, but then they quickly narrowed to their usual bored indifference. “He probably fell down the stairs again. I’ve heard he does that a lot.”

Hanji glared at Levi.

“Well, did he tell you what happened?” Levi asked impatiently.

“Yes,” Hanji replied tersely. “He said he fell down the stairs.

Levi paused. This was the second time that he knew of that the brat had covered for him. Eren hadn’t actually fallen down the stairs. The injuries were from Levi. That morning during training, Eren had tripped and fallen over, startling Levi, and sending them both tumbling into a lake. Levi had been furious, not so much because of Eren’s clumsiness, but because the damn brat had looked so fucking _hot_ with his shirt sticking to his body and his hair all wet and messy sprawled out across his face. So, of course, Levi had resorted the only thing he knew how to do when it came to dealing with problems: violence. Finally, Levi responded, “So then why are you angry with me?”

“Because you know just as well as I do that Eren is lying. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I know for a fact that he did not hurt himself this badly by falling down a few stairs. Also, there are obvious signs that _someone_ punched him several times. He has three broken ribs!”

Levi drew in a quick breath. “Is he going to be okay?” the corporal asked softly.

Hanji’s face softened. “I think so, but this much damage can’t be healed quickly enough by his titan powers without giving him some permanent injuries. I have my assistant working on him right now.”

Levi sighed with relief. He hadn’t meant to hurt the brat that badly. Hanji put a hand on Levi’s shoulder, and was surprised when he didn’t throw her off. Instead, his body began shaking as his usually perfectly controlled face broke, displaying so many emotions Hanji wasn’t even sure what was going through the man’s mind. Then, to her absolute shock, Levi sunk to the (filthy) floor, his back leaning on the wall and his face pressing into his hands. His body continued shaking and although he was silent, Hanji could see tears dripping down the usually stoic corporal.

“Levi, oh my god!!” Hanji cried, dropping down to the floor with him and pulling him into an embrace. Still, he didn’t push her away, continuing to silently sob into her arms.

“Hanji, I don’t know what to do,” he whispered between tears. “I hurt him so much! I yell at him, I punch him, I overwork him, I mock him, I bully him!”

“Shh,” Hanji soothed.

“No, listen to me four eyes!” Levi growled, still intimidating even when he was on the ground shaking with tears. “Nobody should ever treat anyone like that. I see the look in his eyes whenever he sees me. He hates me, and I have nobody to blame but myself. But Hanji, I can’t stop. I have to keep treating him that way because, if I don’t… I’m afraid of what will happen. Hanji I’m in love with him!”

Hanji froze in absolute shock. She had no idea how to possibly respond to Levi’s confession. Fortunately (for her) she didn’t have to.

“Corporal?” came Eren’s confused voice from around the corner.


	4. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi gives Eren his explanation.

Levi stood up in horror as he turned around to see Eren standing behind him, green eyes widened in absolute shock. Levi turned away from Eren, trying desperately to return his face to its usual impassiveness, but he could not. Finally, without turning to face Eren, Levi spoke.

“Eren, how long have you been listening?”

“I-well-I-“ Eren spluttered.

“Never mind, it doesn’t matter,” Levi spat.

“Levi!” Hanji exclaimed suddenly. Then, she turned to Eren. “Eren, go to Levi’s office. He will be with you shortly.”

“What-“ Levi started, but Hanji silenced him with a murderous glare. Eren nodded and scuttled away.

“And you!” she cried, turning back to Levi. “What it wrong with you? Did you just make up all of that stuff that you just said to me? Now you have to fix things!”

Levi sighed. “Hanji, there is no fixing anything. I’ve torn the boy apart.”

“You’re right. You have torn him apart. But you can put him back together, or at least start the process. He may never feel the same way for you after everything that you’ve put him through, but that doesn’t mean you should just give up. If you really do love him, you’ll be there for him, and you’ll leave him alone if he doesn’t want you.”

“Don’t you get it, Hanji? I can’t! I can’t allow myself to get close to him, only to lose him! This world is a cruel place. Sentiment is a weakness. I can’t allow myself to be distracted.”

“But does that mean that you can hurt someone else in the process?” Hanji said angrily. “This world _is_ a cruel place and there _is_ a chance that any one of us could die, but should that stop us from living while we can? If we never live, then our lives have no meaning. Don’t you see?”

“Yes but that’s not the point!” Levi growled.

“Then what is the point?” Hanji retorted.

“I-I…” The Corporal looked down at his feet and said slowly, “I’m not strong enough.”  
            Hanji sighed. “Levi, no one is strong enough. Nobody is ready to handle the loss. But that’s why we have friends. That’s why you have me and Petra and Erwin and everyone else. We’re here to support you, no matter what happens.”

Levi took a deep breath. He knew Hanji was right. But he had already lost so much in his life, he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to handle any more. If something happened to Eren, he wasn’t sure if he would be able to bounce back from the loss. Finally, the corporal looked up and met Hanji’s eyes. His façade was back, and seemed more in control of himself.

“That’s enough mushy talk for one day,” Levi said. “Now go away, shitty glasses, I have an appointment to make.”

The corporal stalked off and Hanji smiled. Levi was back to his usual self, at least for now.

 

After Hanji sent him away, Eren walked slowly to Levi’s office. He had no idea what to think or what to expect. He replayed the previous events over and over in his head trying to make sense of them. He had just been released from the infirmary and heard Hanji’s voice coming from another corridor, so he had headed in that direction to let her know that he was going back to his room. As he neared her, he had heard the corporal’s voice. It was softer than he had ever heard the corporal speak before, and his voice was shaking. Eren had paused around the corner as he tried to decide whether or not to interrupt the conversation when he heard it.

_‘He hates me, and I have nobody to blame but myself. But Hanji, I can’t stop. I have to keep treating him that way because, if I don’t… I’m afraid of what will happen. Hanji I’m in love with him!’_

Any hesitation had evaporated into thin air when Eren heard that, and he rounded the corner in confusion. The scene he had walked in on was something Eren had never even imagined possible. Levi was crouched on the floor, tears streaming down his face while Hanji looked on with a concerned expression.

 

Eren arrived at the corporal’s office door and paused. He had never been in Levi’s room before, and was unsure of what to expect. Finally, he pushed the door open. The room inside was simpler than he would have predicted a captain of Levi’s status to have. There was a small, neatly made bed in one corner of the room with crisp white sheets and a thick brown blanket at the end. Next to the bed was a plain wooden nightstand with a small lamp in the center.  At the other end of the room there was a large desk with papers stacked neatly in the center. A cup full of pens and pencils was in one corner of the desk and a candle in the other. Every inch of the room was absolutely spotless. The white floor did not have a single speck of dust and every surface shone from frequent cleaning. Eren hesitated, and then sat down in the chair facing Levi’s desk. He tried not to think about whatever was coming next. Frankly, he had no idea whether to be worried, upset, or angry, so he settled for just confused.

After a few minutes, Levi entered the room. His face was back to its usual controlled expression and he regarded Eren before moving to the other side of the desk and sitting down.

“I believe I owe you an apology,” the short man began.

“Corporal I-”

Levi put up a hand to silence him. “Don’t interrupt. I’m only going to say all of this once, so pay attention. Ever since I was young, I have been slow to trust.  I-” Levi hesitated, taking a slow breath before continuing. “I grew up on the streets. I learned not to expect anything from anyone. Nobody cared about anyone but themselves, and I was one of those people. If Erwin hadn’t gotten me out of there, well, I don’t think I’d be alive today. But regardless, living on the streets made me who I am today. I’m cold. I’m hostile. I’m distant. I don’t care about anyone or anything but myself.”

“But Corporal, that’s not true!” Eren interjected. “Well, not all of it. You are cold and distant, but you _do_ care about others. I’ve seen the way you try to help other soldiers and keep them motivated even when every odd is against them. I’ve seen you comfort men who have lost everyone and everything!”

Levi looked up at Eren in surprise. He couldn’t understand why, even now, the boy was _still_ defending him. He didn’t deserve anything after the shit he had put Eren through.

“Well, regardless,” Levi continued carefully. “I never let myself get close to anyone. On the streets, I only ever got close to two other people, and after they died, I promised myself never to make that mistake again. This is the real world, not some fairy tale. There are no happy endings. I figured that the best way to keep myself alive was to focus on myself and nobody else. They would just get in my way.

            “So I when I joined the Scouting Regiment, I invested all of my energy into training, becoming the strongest soldier that I could be. I put a barrier around myself. I didn’t let anyone break through it. I watched time and time again as my comrades died at the hands of the titans, but I never let their deaths affect me. I was still alive, and that was all that mattered.

            “But then, you showed up. At first, I was frustrated that I was put in charge of you. You were an unknown, something new and mysterious to my life. Even out fighting titans, I’ve always had a general knowledge of what I was up against and how to stop it. But you were something different. I wanted to just think of you as another titan, another obstacle that needed to be defeated, but I couldn’t. Everything you did, everything you said was full of so much passion, so much love of life, love of just being a human being, that I could not hate you. I was confused. I didn’t understand how someone who had already been through so much and experienced the horrors of this world could still have so much love and hope left in him. You fascinated me, and that scared me. Usually, I could just stay indifferent to everyone else around me, but not with you. I wanted to understand you. I tried keeping you busy, even overworking you, trying to break you down, but you wouldn’t break. You faced each new challenge with just as much passion as the last. The more time I spent around you, the more I saw just how dedicated you were, not just to each job I gave you, but to everything. Even after I worked you hard all day, you would meet your friends in the dining hall with a huge smile on your face. No matter how exhausted you were, you would always find time to bellow at that Jean boy about some random stupid shit. I couldn’t get enough of it. I found myself staying later than I usually would at dinner just to watch you interact with other people. I watched you training, noting each change in your expression, from frustration, to rage, to accomplishment in the span of seconds. It scared me.

            “I found myself thinking about you more than I should have. Wondering what you were doing, who you were talking to, what you were talking about. And it wasn’t just idle curiosity, either. I found myself actually caring. And that scared me too. I had trained myself not to care. When you care, you can get hurt. And yet, I couldn’t stop. So, I tried to get rid of you. I yelled at you; I abused you; I insulted you. I thought that maybe you would finally crack and I would feel normal again. I know, it was selfish, but I am a selfish person. But it didn’t work. There were times when you certainly seemed weakened, but you never let my treatment break you. You didn’t even tell anyone what was going on!

“But every time I saw you hurt or scared, watched you draw away from me, even subconsciously, it hurt. I hated seeing you in pain and unhappy, but I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to acknowledge my own weakness. So I hurt you. And I’m sorry.”

 

Eren was completely dumbstruck. He didn’t know how to react. Should he be relieved that the Corporal didn’t actually hate him? Should he be angry that he had been so selfish? Eren closed his eyes, trying to make sense of his emotions.

“Corporal,” he finally said. “I understand. I think I get what you’ve been going through. But, I can’t help being angry. Well, to be honest, I’m completely pissed at you, but I don’t really know how to react right now.

Levi sighed. “I know. I’m not trying to excuse anything. I just thought that you should know.”

Eren nodded. “Well, thanks for telling me, I guess? Is that all?”

“Yes,” Levi replied. “You can go back to your room now.”

Eren trudged out. After the boy was gone, Levi stood and moved to the bathroom, where he washed his face and brushed his teeth. He returned to his room, removing his shirt and climbing into his bed. He buried his face into his pillow, closing his eyes.

_I’ve really fucked everything up, haven’t I?_


	5. A Walk In The Park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Female Titan!! o_0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I'm not so sure about this chapter. I feel like it excuses the abusive behavior too much and to be honest, I'm not really okay with that. I just wasn't really sure where to go with it, so I just kinda wrote. Before you read, just make sure you are aware that abuse is NEVER okay, and I am not trying to excuse it in any way. The reason that I write is to help me personally deal with my own emotions because I often struggle personally, so I write whatever I need in order to help myself, but later when I read through it, I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. I decided to post it anyways and just go with it, but hopefully in the future I will be able to avoid brushing past abusive behavior… So sorry if I offend anyone…
> 
> Also, important note: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SPOILERS FROM THE MANGA/ANIME

Neither Eren nor Levi mentioned their discussion in the Corporal’s office to anyone, even each other. The next day, Levi informed Eren that he would no longer be training by himself, but rather alongside the other members of Squad Levi.

            “You need to learn to work as a team,” the shorter man explained. Eren rushed off to prepare for the day’s activities. Although Levi didn’t know it, the young shifter was actually very excited to train with the rest of the squad. He wanted to earn their trust and maybe even befriend some of them. Also, Eren noted, the Corporal hadn’t given Eren a single harsh word when giving him his instructions that morning. He even gave Eren the morning off of cleaning, sending Eren to breakfast instead to prepare for the day.

            Eren sat down at the table with the rest of Squad Levi, digging hungrily into a plate of sausage. Levi came down a few minutes later, sitting at the opposite end of the table. Eren was glad that the Corporal wasn’t demanding Eren to discuss anything from the previous night with him. He seemed to realize that Eren needed time to sort through his own emotions. After Levi’s confession, Eren had found himself even more confused than he had been before. Although he couldn’t deny that Levi was _attractive_ , Eren was sure that he could never bring himself to love the man who had treated him so poorly for so many months. However, he thought that maybe, just maybe, he could at least come to respect Levi like he had before joining the Scouting Regiment.

 

            Several fairly uneventful weeks passed. Eren spent his days eating with his squad members, training, and visiting with his old friends. Levi stayed out of his way during free time. During training, the older man was strictly professional with Eren. He kept his emotions guarded, and treated Eren the same as any other member of his squad. Eren was quite pleased with the new development. There was a time when he would have wanted more, would have wanted to be closer to the Corporal, to be able to call him a friend, but now, the professional relationship was all he really wanted.

            “You seem happier lately,” Armin noted one afternoon. He, Eren, and Mikasa had all finished their duties early and were lazing about outside of the headquarters. Eren was in his usual position, lying under a tree to shade himself from the harsh sun, while Armin and Mikasa sat on either side of him.

            Eren hummed, “Yeah, I suppose you’re right. I feel like I’m fitting in with my squad more lately.” He didn’t mention that it really had little to do with his team (although he was glad to be bonding more with them) and everything to do with Levi.

            “That’s good,” Armin said cheerfully. “It’s nice seeing you back to your old self.”

            Eren smiled at his friend. “So, did you hear the latest news?”  
            Mikasa frowned. “What news?”

            Eren’s smile widened and his voice dropped to a whisper. “I overheard Commander Erwin telling one of the other squad leaders that he’s planning a mission outside of the walls. And he said the new recruits will be participating!”

            Armin gasped, suddenly seeming much more tense than he had a few moments before. “You mean, like, a real mission, with, you know… Titans?”

Eren nodded, eyes sparkling with excitement and determination. “ Yup. We’re finally gonna get to face them again, but this time, we’ll be ready. I’m gonna kill them all!”

“Eren, if you just jump into things, you’re gonna get yourself killed! This isn’t something to take lightly. Missions outside of the walls are _extremely_ dangerous!” Mikasa growled.

Eren rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I know, Mikasa. Don’t worry, I’ll be careful. We all will.”

“Yeah,” Armin added softly. “I don’t want to have to lose any more people I care about.”

The three sat in silence for a few moments, Eren thinking about his mom, Armin about his grandfather, and Mikasa about Marco. Suddenly, Connie came running out of the building towards the three friends.

“Hey, get inside, guys! The Commander wants all of the new recruits to meet in the conference room. I think he’s gonna start telling us about our new mission!” Connie called breathlessly.

Immediately, Eren, Mikasa, and Armin jumped up, determination, excitement, and nervousness mixing together in their expressions as they followed Connie inside. Soon, they found themselves seated in the large conference room with all of their friends facing Commander Erwin.

“Cadets!” the Commander barked. All of the recruits stood at attention, saluting over their hearts. “At ease.” Erwin paused for a moment, eying to young soldiers before continuing. “I have gathered you here today to announce an upcoming mission outside of the walls.”

Immediately, hushed conversations full of both fear and curiosity filled the room. The Commander held up a hand to silence them.

“As I am sure many of you are already aware of,” Erwin continued, “Eren Jaeger was given a key by his father before learning of his Titan-shifting abilities. We believe that the key, which unlocks the basement to Eren’s old house, holds many important secrets about the titans. However, the house is located in the Shiganshina District, and is therefore controlled by the titans. In order to unlock the secret of the titans, we will need to reclaim the wall and bring Eren safely to his old home. That is why, in three weeks time, we will be leaving the walls and going out into titan territory.”

For a moment, everyone was completely silent. Then, the nervous whispering began again as the recruits considered their first mission out of the walls. The meeting continued for a little bit longer as Erwin illustrated the main plans to the recruits, before releasing them to get some rest before they began training specifically for the mission.

 

The three weeks before the mission seemed to pass in a complete blur. Eren barely had time to relax as he prepared for the excursion out of the walls. Finally, the morning of the mission arrived, and Eren couldn’t help but admit to himself that he was actually quite nervous. He hadn’t faced titans since he discovered his shifting abilities, and he hoped that he was able to control himself when the time finally came.

The mission started off successfully enough. Each group did exactly what they needed to do in order to keep the titans away from Eren and his squad. However, after a few hours, Levi steered the team into a huge forest. All around, Eren could hear screams of terror as soldiers met titans. However, once in the forest, everything was eerily silent. Eren could feel his heart pounding in his chest, adrenaline pumping as he tried to remain calm, following behind Levi’s horse.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

“What was that?” Eren cried.

“Titan,” Eld hissed. He turned to face the Corporal. “What should we do, Captain?”

Levi ignored the man’s question and continued riding forward, face expressionless as always.

_Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump._

“It’s gaining on us, Corporal,” Petra breathed.

“Should we fight?” Gunther asked.

Still, Levi remained silent. Suddenly, a huge, pale titan came crashing through the trees. It had a rather feminine look to it with short blond hair and fierce blue eyes. It sprinted towards the group at top speed. A few soldiers came out of the trees, aiming straight at the titan’s weak spot, but she simply tossed them aside, continuing in her straight path towards the squad.

“Captain, what do we do?” Oluo yelled. The Captain ignored him. A brief motion caught Eren’s eyes, and he looked back in surprise.

“Corporal, one of the men is still alive! We have to go back and help him! Captain! You can’t just ignore me! What do we do?”

Before Eren could say another word, the female titan swiped a muscular hand at the last remaining man, crushing his skull into a tree.

“Why didn’t you do anything, Captain?! We could have saved him! Now he’s… he’s dead!” Eren said furiously. Eren brought his hand up to his mouth. “I can’t let her get away with this. I have to turn back!”

Finally, the Corporal turned to face Eren. The boy’s face was streaming with tears and sweat. His eyes were glowing with a manic sort of determination as he stared at the Corporal, hand frozen below his lips.

“I can’t tell you what to do, Eren,” Levi finally said. “You have to make this decision on your own. Do you trust in yourself, or in the Survey Corps? I don’t know which is correct. You have to do what you feel in right.”

Eren frowned. He did trust the Survey Corps. They had accepted him, trained him, and valued him. And yet, they let the female titan destroy so many lives without even trying to fight back. Why?

 _There must be a reason,_ Eren thought. _The Corporal would never do something that he thought was wrong. He values human life just as much as I do. I’m going to have to put my faith in him._

He cleared his throat. “I will trust the Survey Corps!” Eren exclaimed. His teammates nodded their approval. They continued forward, urging their horses faster and faster, trying to escape the titan pursuing them. Finally, they passed the point they were shooting for, and from up above in a tree, Hanji and Erwin shot down nets to contain the titan. Levi left his horse to join the Commander while the rest of his squad continued forward, making their way out of the forest.

Finally, the reached the edge of the trees, and slowed when they saw the sun, climbing off of their horses. The soldiers panted in exhaustion and relief as they waited to be summoned back.

“Thank you for trusting us, Eren,” Petra said. Eren smiled and nodded, too exhausted to answer.

After a few moments of silence, Gunther spoke. “So why do you think the Corporal didn’t tell us what was going on?”

“Yeah,” Oluo agreed. “Doesn’t he trust us?”

“Think about it,” Eld interjected. “If Levi and Erwin went so far as to keep something hidden from the entire regiment, then it can only mean one thing. This female titan, whoever she is, couldn’t have been working alone. That can only mean”

“There’s a traitor,” Eren said softly. Eld nodded solemnly.

“We couldn’t know what was going on, just in case one of us was the traitor.”

“So are you saying that the female titan is another human in titan form?” Petra asked. Again, Eld nodded.

“That’s the only explanation to all of these events that seems to make sense.”

In the distance, a flare shot into the air, signaling for the soldiers to retreat back to the walls. Quickly, the elite forces mounted their horses and rode back into the forest

 _How is this possible?_ Eren thought to himself. _Just a few months ago, nobody had ever even imagined humans shifting into titans, and now there are two, maybe more, that we know of. I’ll bet the armored and colossal titans are humans too! They seem to possess intelligence, unlike the usual titans. And the female titan did as well. She didn’t kill humans to eat them; she killed them in a strategic manner to get them out of her way. That makes her even more dangerous than a regular titan._

A whoosh in the trees next to them broke Eren from his daydreams. Before he even had time to react, someone in Scouting Regiment uniform burst from the trees, swiping at Gunther with a pair of blades. His eyes widened in shock as the blood started flowing from out of his body and he collapsed to the ground dead. Immediately, Eren’s teammates sprung to action, leaping from their horses and sailing through the air with their 3-D maneuvering gear. Eren couldn’t move; he simply stared dumbly back at Gunther’s body, waiting for the man to jump back up.

“Eren!” Petra cried desperately. “We can’t think about him. We have to keep moving!”

Eren nodded and leaped from his saddle just as the assassin bit its hand. In a flash of fire and lightening, the female titan appeared again.

“It’s the female!” Eren shouted. “I’m gonna shift!”

“No!” Eld ordered. “You keep moving. You have to stay safe. We’ll take care of her.”

“Trust us, Eren,” Petra added.

“Yeah, we aren’t gonna show her any mercy,” Oluo cried savagely.

Eren made up his mind in a split second, nodding and flying backward to allow the elites to do their job. It was incredible. Even after having just lost one of their comrades, the elites moved in perfect unison, not uttering a single word as they simultaneously lunged at the titan, blinding her. Then, they turned, severing her muscle until her arms fell, leaving the nape of her neck exposed.

“Now die!” Petra shrieked, aiming at the titan’s weak spot.

Eren watched in awe as Petra prepared to make the final strike. However, just as she was about to lunge, one of the titan’s eyes reformed, giving her just enough time to prepare for the blow. “NO!!” Eren yelled, but it was too late. With superhuman speed, the female titan lifted her arm in a fierce blow, knocking Petra to the ground. One by one, each of the soldiers charged at the titan, only to be thwarted and killed.

 _No,_ Eren thought numbly. _This isn’t possible. They can’t all be dead. All of them dead in five minutes. I killed them._ _If I had just shifted when I wanted to, they would still be here._ Eren stood, heart racing as the female titan turned to him. _No,_ he thought. _I didn’t kill them._ She _killed them. Now I will destroy her._ Eren charged forward, biting his hand as he lunged at the titan. Lightening struck and Eren shifted, howling with an animal rage.

 _I will destroy you, destroy you, destroy you…_ Eren repeated the mantra again and again in his head, allowing himself to be overcome by hatred and rage. He swung at the titan again and again and again, knocking her to the ground and pummeling her face with his fists. Slowly, the female stood, fists in front of her as she prepared to fight back. The two both threw vicious punches, snarling and growling throughout, when all of a sudden, the female titan lifted her muscular leg, kicking Eren and sending him toppling to the ground. The last thing Eren remembered was being lifted out of his titan body by the female’s strong jaw before he blacked out.

 

Warmth. That was the first thing Eren felt. Just warmth. He wasn’t sure where he was, or if he was even alive, but at the time, he did not really care. He just allowed himself to drift in and out of consciousness with the warmth. Soon, he realized that he was bouncing slightly. Up and down, up and down, up and down. It was pleasant, although a bit dizzying. With that thought, he realized how much his head hurt. He couldn’t be dead, not with a headache like this. Finally, everything came back to him. The female titan, his dead teammates, his defeat, and finally, being carried away in the titan’s mouth. Eren opened his eyes in panic, but instead of finding himself in the titan’s stomach, he found himself in the strong arms of Corporal Levi. The Corporal was looking straight ahead, stoic expression on his face, flying out of the forest. Eren closed his eyes again. He allowed himself to drift back out of consciousness, knowing he was safe now.


	6. The Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi worries about Eren and Erwin comforts him.

Levi looked down at the sleeping boy. His hair was plastered down to his face with sweat. His brow was furrowed, making it look like he was concentrating on something very hard. Levi sighed and rubbed his eyes. It had been almost a full day since the incident with the female titan, but Eren still hadn’t woken up. Hanji assured Levi that he would be fine and just needed to rest, but the corporal couldn’t help but worry. He hadn’t left the infirmary once. Eren’s friends had come and gone (Mikasa staring daggers at him the entire time), but Levi still remained beside the boy. At about eight in the evening, the large wooden door to the infirmary creaked open and the large form of Commander Smith revealed itself. Levi didn’t even bother to look up; he simply continued to pace back and forth by Eren’s bed.

            “Hanji told me that I might find you,” the man said as he closed the door. Levi only grunted in affirmation. “Levi, you can’t just stay here until Eren wakes up. We don’t know how long he’ll be out. You need to rest.”

            “Shut up, Erwin,” Levi growled, finally looking up to face the commander.

            “Levi, you’re being completely unreasonable,” Erwin said calmly.

            “You don’t understand!” Levi countered.

            “Then make me understand,” Erwin replied.

            Levi glared at the Commander. Only Erwin could get Levi to do what he wanted. “Fine.”

            Erwin motioned to a small table in the corner of the room and sat at one of the two chairs pushed against it. Levi begrudgingly complied, sitting in the chair across from Erwin.

            “My team is gone,” Levi started. “All of them. Petra, Eld, Gunther, Oluo. They’re all dead. Eren’s all I have left. I know he hates me, and he has every right to hate me, but I can’t just walk away from him as he struggles. He’s my last hope.” Levi’s voice cracked slightly, but he managed to maintain his composure.

            “Levi,” Erwin started slowly.

            “No!” Levi interrupted. “Don’t tell me I’m being stupid. Don’t tell me I’m letting my emotions get in the way of reason. Don’t tell me to close off my heart and continue to push forward like the perfectly subordinate soldier that I am. I’m not an army tool!”

            “I wasn’t going to say any of that,” Erwin said.

            “Yeah right,” Levi scoffed.

            “Levi, you are testing my patience. Are you going to listen to me or not?”

            “Hmph,” said Levi, and Erwin took it as a cue to continue.

            “Levi, everything that you are feeling is perfectly natural. Of course you are upset. You just lost your entire squad. They were the closest things that you had to a family. But do you really think that they would want you to sacrifice your health in mourning for them?”

            “But Eren–“

            “Do you really think that _Eren_ wants you sacrificing your health? Will any of this help him to recover?”

            Levi glared up at his superior. “I,” he started, but stopped when he heard slight rustling behind him. He turned to face the bed and was greeted by the sight of Eren’s expressive green eyes. The boy had propped himself up on his pillows and was staring at Levi with wide eyes. Levi felt his heart skip a beat and he closed his eyes in relief.

            _He’s okay_ , Levi thought.

            “How long have I been out?” Eren asked, his voice hoarse and softer than usual.

            “A little less than one day in total,” Erwin responded.

            “What happened? Did we defeat the female titan? Is–“

            “Slow down, Eren,” Erwin said soothingly. “The female titan escaped. But now because of all of the interactions with her, we are closer to finding out who she is.”

            Eren lowered himself back into a reclining position, furrowing his brow as he thought through Erwin’s words. Suddenly, his eyes shot open and he looked straight at Levi.

            “The squad-?”

            “Dead,” Levi said before Eren could continue. There was a brief moment of silence and Eren’s eyes somehow widened even further before he covered his face in his hands and whimpered softly.

            “I thought… I thought that was a dream,” he said finally.

            “No,” Levi deadpanned.

            Eren stared at Levi, his deer like eyes taking in every part of the other man’s face until he finally said, “You’ve been crying.”

            “Wh-what-I mean-no I haven’t!” Levi said, a little more quickly than he had anticipated.

            “I should go,” Erwin said suddenly, rising from his seat. Before Eren or Levi had time to react, he had left the room.

            _The bastard,_ Levi thought testily. _He knows I’m not ready to face Eren yet._             “Captain, I’m sorry,” Eren said softly, bringing Levi out of his thoughts.

            “Brat,” said Levi, but without any real malice in his tone. “What are you apologizing for?

            “I killed them; every last one of them. Your entire squad was decimated because I didn’t fight back! I could have saved them, but I just watched as they all died!” Eren’s face distorted as he tried to remain calm in front of his superior, but it was to no avail. Soon, he had dissolved into sobs.

            _Shit, what do I do?_ Levi thought. _I don’t blame him for the deaths any more than I blame myself. We’re soldiers, death is just another occupational hazard. But how can I tell him this so that he will believe me?_

            Eren covered his face in embarrassment as he tried to choke back his tears. Levi felt his heart break in two as he watched the young innocent boy fall apart. Suddenly, the short man rose to his feet and moved swiftly to the side of Eren’s bed. He took a deep breath, and then slowly placed a small, pale hand on Eren’s shoulder. The boy tensed at the sudden contact, but didn’t move away.

            “Eren,” Levi said softly. “Cry.” It was the best that he could do. Levi was not good at comforting people. He knew that, so he generally just walked away, but with Eren, he couldn’t just turn the other way. The boy was so alone, so hopeless, so Levi stayed.

It was a simple order, and may have even seemed insensitive, but right now, it was exactly what Eren needed. He buried his face in the Corporal’s arm and finally allowed the tears to flow freely. Levi did not speak, he simply held the boy, allowing him to cry into his arms and lean on his body for support.

 

            A few hours later, Eren woke up to the feeling of a pair of strong arms wrapped tightly around his body. Blinking tiredly, Eren turned and once his eyes adjusted to the darkness in the infirmary, he was surprised to see Captain Levi asleep beside him. Their legs were tangled together and Levi was gripping Eren firmly around his chest. In his sleep, Levi’s usually harsh face had smoothed out, and he looked relaxed and peaceful. Eren realized that they must have both fallen asleep while Levi was trying to comfort him.

_Levi was so… different last night. He’s never been so supportive of me before. To be honest, it was actually really nice. I’m glad he didn’t say anything. He just listened. I needed that. How did he know that I needed that?_

            Eren watched the older man sleeping next to him. He could feel a gentle flutter against his neck with each of Levi’s soft breaths.

            _He’s probably going to be really angry when he wakes up next to me. He obviously isn’t here on purpose. I’m feeling mostly better anyways. I should go back to my room._

            Eren slowly untangled his and Levi’s legs, careful not to wake the sleeping man. However, when he tried to pry himself from Levi’s grip, the Corporal only held Eren down harder. He hummed softly in his sleep, pulling Eren closer to him until he was pressed right up against the boy’s chest, his face tucked snugly into Eren’s neck. There was no way that Eren would be able to escape the bed without waking Levi. So instead, he carefully repositioned himself more comfortably against the pillow, simply allowing whatever this was to happen. He pressed his nose into Levi’s hair, taking in the smell of soap and sweat. The smell was distinctly _Levi_ , and Eren felt himself relaxing in the man’s embrace. Slowly, he drifted back to sleep.


	7. Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren, Jean, Mikasa, and Levi go on a short scouting mission. Nothing could go wrong, right?

The next morning, Levi awoke at the crack of dawn. He and Eren were still tangled together. The younger boy was still asleep, but unlike the previous day when his sleep had been restless and troubled, now, Eren looked peaceful and content. Checking to make sure that nobody was around, Levi allowed his lips to turn up in a small smile as he studied the boy who had stolen his heart.

            The previous night, Eren had cried himself into exhaustion and fallen asleep in Levi’s arms. Unsure of what else to do, the Corporal had tucked the boy into the blankets before preparing to leave for his own room. Unfortunately, as he tried to stand, Levi had been annoyed to find that his legs had completely fallen asleep under Eren’s weight. Sighing slightly to himself, he had settled himself into a more comfortable position as he waited for the frustrating prickles in his feet to go away, allowing him to leave the infirmary. Instead, the hours of stress and worry had finally caught up with him, and before he knew it, he had fallen asleep next to Eren.

            Even now that it was morning, Levi didn’t regret falling asleep. He slowly stroked Eren’s thick, soft hair while the boy slept. If it were up to him, he would stay right here forever, taking in every part of Eren. All he wanted was to have the boy in his arms forever. Sadly, that was simply not to be. Levi knew that he had screwed up. He knew that it was his own fault that he couldn’t wake up to Eren every day. And yet, laying here in the dim light of the morning, Levi found himself wishing yet again that Eren was his.

            Sighing, Levi gradually raised himself out of the bed. He knew that Eren would probably panic if he realized that they had fallen asleep together, so he figured that he should probably leave before Eren woke. Still, as he stood over the sleeping boy, Levi couldn’t help but give in ever so slightly to his temptations. He hesitantly bent down and pressed his cold lips against Eren’s soft, warm cheek before he turned and stalked out of the room back to his own office.

 

            About an hour later, Levi sat down at breakfast next to Erwin. Normally, he would sit with his squad, but obviously, that wasn’t an option now. Levi took a deep breath, pushing those thoughts out of his head. He couldn’t afford to allow himself to fall apart over his fallen comrades. He had given himself a full day to mourn, a full day longer than he usually did, but now, he had to get back to business.

            “Levi,” Erwin said politely in greeting. Levi simply nodded in response as he took a bite of his breakfast. He ate slowly; technically he was still recovering from the previous mission so he had no training or meetings to attend for the next week or so. After a few moments, he spoke.

            “So what’s the plan? How are we going to defeat the female titan?”

            “There is no plan,” Erwin said bluntly.

            “What do you mean there’s no plan? “

            “I mean, I honestly don’t know. This is a unique situation and it’s going to take a while to figure out exactly what to do next. However, I do believe that if we are strategic and carful with these next few months, we _can_ defeat the female titan. And, I believe that if we defeat her, it will be a huge victory for humankind.”

            Levi nodded slowly, considering Erwin’s words. While he was thinking, Armin appeared behind Levi and addressed Erwin. Erwin directed his attention entirely to the young blonde, a smug smile playing at the corner of his lips.

            “Commander! I was going over some of the reports that you gave me and I think I found something.”

“Excellent work Armin,” the Commander said, rolling the “r” in Armin’s name ever so slightly. “Head up to my office and I will meet you shortly to discuss.” Armin’s cheeks turned bright pink as he smiled shyly and darted off to Erwin’s office. Levi raised an eyebrow, but otherwise remained impassive.

Erwin simply shrugged and said “He’s shown quite some promise when it comes to strategy. I value his opinion.”

“Suuure,” Levi drawled sarcastically.

“You’re one to talk,” Erwin laughed. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed the way you look at a certain young titan shifter.”

“Shut up, eyebrows,” Levi snapped.

“Alright, _Shorty_ , I have to go. I don’t want to keep Armin waiting.”

Levi glared at the Commander’s nickname for him, but kept his mouth shut as Erwin stood and strode out of the room. He ate in silence for a few more minutes until he heard a familiar voice. He turned and saw Eren awkwardly walking towards his table. He was dressed casually as opposed to his usual military gear, and Levi thought that the look suited the boy.

“Good morning, Commander. Do you think that maybe I could sit with you?” he said with a sheepish smile.

“Do whatever you want brat- er, Eren.” Levi really had been trying to be nicer to the boy, even if he had spoiled all chances that he might have had. It wasn’t as though he liked being a complete ass to Eren, he just hadn’t known what else to do when it came to the young shifter. However, after several long feelings sessions with Hanji (Levi shivered just thinking about them), he had decided that Eren deserved better.

Eren sat down awkwardly across from the Corporal. This was certainly a new side of Eren. Levi had never seen the boy acting so flustered before. To be honest Levi found it adorable.

“So I see they let you out of the infirmary,” he said to break the silence.

“Yeah, well, I guess I just needed a bit of rest. I slept really well last night so-” Eren suddenly broke off, blushing furiously. Levi raised an eyebrow as Eren began spluttering.

“I-I mean, it wasn’t _better_ , I, er, just, was tired, so, you know, I slept well and that was it, I wasn’t like…”

“Shut up, Eren. You sound like an idiot.” Even if he was trying to be nicer to Eren, Levi was still just a blunt person in general. Eren would not get any sort of special treatment.

“I’m just gonna go the bathroom real quick,” Eren said, hastily standing and running off. Once he was gone, Levi had a chance to consider Eren’s bizarre behavior.

_I left before he woke up, so he couldn’t have realized that we slept in the same bed last night. Unless he woke up in the middle of the night…_

Levi felt his own face heat up in embarrassment as he realized that this was quite possible. He had assumed that Eren had slept through the night, but by the looks of it, Eren had woken up and knew everything that had happened.

_But then why didn’t he leave or kick me out?_

Eren returned just a few moments later looking more relaxed. He grinned at Levi as he plopped back down.

“Sorry I was being so weird,” he said. “I was just a bit distracted.”

“Whatever kid,” Levi responded.

“So what’s the plan for today? Are we gonna kick some titan butt?”

“No, bra-Eren… We literally just got back from a failed mission. Erwin wants everyone to take _at least_ a week off to recuperate and regroup before going out of the walls again.”

“Are you serious?” Eren said, his eyes sparkling with anger and passion. “How are we ever going to defeat them if we just keep on taking breaks. How will we ever have any victories if we obsess over our failures? We have to fight! If we don’t fight, we can’t win. I’m gonna kill them all!”

The people nearest to Eren and Levi in the dining hall turned and stared as the titan shifter threw his little tantrum. Levi, however, looked bored as ever.

“Calm down, brat- _damn it_ \- Eren-”

But before he could finish, the expression on Eren’s face had completely changed yet again. He was completely relaxed and grinning again. The boy’s intense emotions never ceased to amaze Levi.

“Just call me brat, Corporal,” Eren said cheerfully. “I know you don’t mean any harm.”

Levi simply stared. That was the last thing that he expected from the headstrong young man. Deciding not to think too much of it, he simply shrugged.

 

The next few days passed fairly uneventfully. Eren ate breakfast with Levi every morning and then spent the rest of the day with his friends. But still, Levi was just surprised that the boy wanted to see him at all in their free time. Not only that, but the time that they spent together wasn’t as forced or awkward as it once was. While he once treated Levi with formal awkwardness, and sometimes even fear, now, Eren seemed comfortable with the shorter man. They talked about silly trivial things and simply enjoyed the time together without fear and worry.

The change in their relationship had been gradual. Immediately after Levi stopped abusing Eren, he had still avoided the Corporal like the plague. When he was forced to be around Levi for training, he glared at the older man and shrunk back when addressed. Slowly, however, he had begun to feel more and more comfortable with his superior. Although the relationship was still strained, it somehow seemed less unhealthy.

 _But what about now?_ Eren thought to himself one afternoon as he waited for his friends to meet him at the stables. _It doesn’t even feel strained now. I actually feel strangely comfortable around Corporal Levi. How did that happen? I don’t even remember that happening._

Eren spent the rest of the day lazily with his friends, and yet he couldn’t seem to get his mind off of Levi. Of course, Mikasa noticed almost immediately that something was off.

“Eren!” she snapped for the third time.

“Huh-what?!” he said, jerking out of his daydream.

“You’ve been spacing out all afternoon! What is going on?” Mikasa demanded.

“Oh, sorry. It’s nothing really. I was just thinking about someone,” Eren responded honestly.

“Oooh was it a girl,” Jean said, interrupting his conversation with Connie.

“What, I-” Eren spluttered.

“Oho, so it is!,” Connie said. “She rejected you last night, didn’t she? Who was it? Sasha?”

“It couldn’t have been,” Jean interrupted. “She would go out with anyone, no matter how ugly, if they offered her food.”

“Hey,” Sasha laughed. “Not true! I have _some_ standards.”

“Well regardless, I’m sure Eren wouldn’t meet them!”

“Shut up, horse face!” Eren angrily.

“You wanna say that again?” Jean challenged.

“What, the part about you looking like a weird backwards centaur?”

Soon, Eren’s odd behavior had been completely forgotten as he and Jean stood at the same time, throwing sloppy punches towards one another. It took Mikasa and Armin pulling Eren back and Connie and Sasha pulling Jean back to finally get the two boys to cease fighting. Armin somehow even got them to shake hands as they walked back to the castle before bed. Despite his little fight with Jean, it had been a good day.

 

_He was surrounded. There were titans everywhere. He knew that he needed to shift, but instead he just stood, petrified with fear._

_“Shift, Eren!” Armin cried desperately as a 15-meter titan grabbed him from his horse. Still Eren just stared as the titan lifted Armin to its mouth and crunched down in an explosion of blood._

_“Armin!” Mikasa cried, jumping into the air, preparing to avenge her friend’s death. But just as she reached for the titan’s nape, another titan grabbed Mikasa from behind, swallowing her with a loud gulp._

_“What do I do?” Eren gasped. “I can’t move. I can’t save them! I made the wrong choice and now they’re all dead!”_

 

“Eren!” Levi called, and the boy awoke with a start. He blinked up at the older man confusedly. Levi’s face was creased with worry and he was wearing nothing but an undershirt and pair of loose fitting pants. Suddenly, he remembered what had been happening and shuttered.

“It was just a nightmare,” Levi said soothingly. Eren nodded.

“I’m sorry for waking you, Corporal.”

“Don’t be,” Levi said. “It happens to the best of us. Just because we are soldiers doesn’t mean that the deaths become any easier.”

“Still, you didn’t need to come down here,” Eren said, hiding his face in embarrassment.

“Of course I didn’t. I don’t _have_ to do anything. But I wanted to. I just wanted to make sure that you were alright.”

Eren looked up at the Corporal, his doe like eyes swimming with emotion. “Thank you,” he simply said. Levi nodded and motioned for the boy to lie back down. He remained with the young shifter, softly stroking his hair until sleep took him and then returned to his quarters.

 

The next week, Eren, Levi, Mikasa, and Jean were sent out of the walls for a simple, single squad mission. They simply needed to scout out a certain area and then return back. The mission should take half a day at most.

Mikasa and Jean were completely silent as they rode out of the walls. They were not comfortable with Levi yet and were not used to his surly and unapproachable attitude. Eren, on the other hand, was completely at ease with the Corporal. Jean gawked slightly as Eren rambled on about whatever thoughts popped into his head to the Corporal. Levi rarely spoke, simply grunting in response every now and then, but this did not deter Eren. If anything, Eren was more comfortable with the shorter man then most people who had known him for years.

“And so,” he rambled, “that’s why fried chicken is only third on my list of favorite foods.” Levi rolled his eyes, but secretly, he loved listening to Eren talk. The boy was so full of life. They were in titan territory for god’s sake, but Eren still continued on being his usual self despite the dangerous territory. Levi admired that in Eren. He didn’t let this messed up world stop him from living every minute of his life to the fullest.

“But,” Eren continued, “I did once find a patch of wild strawberries, and let me tell you, those things were _amazing_! So juicy and fresh and-”

“Brat shut up,” Levi suddenly said. Mikasa frowned at the nickname, but Eren simply shrugged. If he were being completely honest with himself, he kind of liked the name. It was almost like a pet name.

“We’ve reached the point that Eyebrows wanted us to scout out.” Mikasa and Jean both looked surprised at the rude name for their commander, but Eren was unfazed.

“So what’s the plan, Corporal?” he asked.

“We’re going to need to split up. You circle the area to the left with Kirschtein and I’ll go right with Ackerman.”

“Hear that, Jaeger?” Jean said once they were out of Levi’s earshot. “The Corporal trusts _me_ to keep an eye on your stupid titan ass.”

“Actually, I think he wanted to keep me with you so I would make sure you don’t escape into the wild, Pony Boy.”

The two bickered casually for a few more minutes until they heard a dull thudding coming from behind them. Spinning around, they were horrified to see the grotesque figure off a titan lumbering towards them.

“I’ll take care of it,” Jean said cockily.

“Wait!” Eren cried. “We’re on flat ground. Out gear won’t work as well. We should just try to outrun it.” But it was too late. Jean sprang into the air, aiming straight at the titan.

 _Idiot!_ Eren thought to himself as he too leaped forward behind Jean. Jean dove forward, hurtling straight towards the titan. However, right as he was about to reach the monster, it opened its mouth, preparing to swallow Jean.

“Jean!” Eren screamed. “Look out!” Eren released an extra burst of gas from his gear, clamping his anchors onto the titan’s face. Although this succeeded in distracting the titan from Jean, it only switched its focus to Eren who was now swooping past the angry titan’s face, buying Jean enough time to back away from its mouth. The titan grabbed Eren in its hot, oversized hand, but Eren let out an angry bellow and severed the titan’s fingers with his blades, freeing himself. Jean maneuvered around the titan, aiming for the back of its neck, but just as he was about to plant the finishing blow, a second, even larger titan emerged, growling fiercely. In Jean’s momentary distraction, the first titan managed to knock him to the ground, breaking his 3D Maneuvering Gear while the second trudged towards Eren. Cursing under his breath, Eren changed directions, shooting towards Jean who was cowering below the titans’ feet.

“Grab my hand!” Eren shouted as he swung towards Jean. Jean reached towards Eren just as a third titan reached the soldiers and bent down, roughly grabbed Eren, crushing his equipment.

“Eren!” Jean cried in terror. Eren struggled in the titan’s grip, trying to wiggle free.

 _If I could just free one of my hands_ , Eren thought desperately, _I could shift into my titan form. Why didn’t I switch earlier?_ Eren shut his eyes, his face strangely peaceful. _I guess this is it. I’m going to die here, with nobody to see me but Jean._

The titan’s grip on his body suddenly loosened, and Eren was falling. Before he even had time to react, Levi had flown him to the ground. Eren opened his eyes and gasped at the expression on Levi’s face. The short man looked absolutely murderous. His face softened ever so slightly as Eren righted himself and he traced a long pale finger across Eren’s cheek before taking flight again, charging straight at the group of titans that had surrounded Jean and Eren. Eren watched, petrified with both fear and wonder as he observed Levi down titan after titan. In just a few moments, there were only two titans left. Levi aimed a deadly strike at the larger of the two, killing it in one precise strike, but as he was turning to face the final beast, the dying titan used its final ounce of strength to swing a powerful hand at Levi, hurtling the Corporal straight into the ground. The final titan bent down and grabbed Levi harshly, crushing the man in its firm grip.

Something in Eren snapped. Before he knew what was happening, he had clamped down on his wrist, teeth sinking into the tender flesh. Lightening struck as he transformed into the bloodthirsty titan within him. He let out a might roar as he charged headfirst at the titan holding Levi. He smacked his skull straight into the titan’s ribcage, and in a moment of absolutely animalistic fury, ripped the monster’s throat out with his teeth. As the titan fell, Eren plunged his fist into its neck, pushing his hand straight through the titan’s nape. The titan fell with a deafening thud. Still in his titan form, Eren bent down and lifted Levi’s limp form from the dead titan’s already rotting hand. Mikasa, who had only just arrived at the scene, lifted Jean up with her and began flying back to headquarters, Eren following with Levi cradled in his hand.

Finally, once he arrived back at the wall (Mikasa and Jean had gone ahead to warn Hanji of what happened so she could prepare for Levi and Eren’s return), Eren transformed back into his human form and almost collapsed in exhaustion. However, before he could tend to himself, he laid Levi down in the grass. He knelt down and laid a finger gently on Levi’s neck, feeling for a pulse. His heart was still beating, but weakly. His entire body was coated in blood and he had dozens of broken bones from being crushed by the titan.

“Corporal,” Eren said in a strained whisper. “You have to wake up. Hanji should be here in a few minutes to help me bring you back to the headquarters and then you have to get better, okay?”

Eren took deep breaths trying to keep himself from panicking or breaking down. His mind was spinning and he could barely think. Levi’s breathing was harsh and jagged.

“Please wake up, Corporal,” Eren begged, voice cracking as tears began to slide down his cheeks. “I don’t know what I’ll do without you. I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sigh… I just don't know...


	8. Humanity's Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is Levi dead?

Darkness. Nothing but darkness. An empty void of nothingness. No sound, no smell, nothing.

 _Am I dead?_ Levi thought. _I suppose I must be. What was happening again? I can’t remember. Huge monsters? Or something… Ah well, I suppose it doesn’t matter anymore._

Levi floated through the nothingness, completely relaxed. He merged with the nothingness. He became the darkness.

 _Who am I?_ He thought. _Do I have a name?_

“Corporal Levi!” The voice was distant.

_Ah, that’s what my name was._

“Levi, wake up!” The voice sounded familiar, but Levi couldn’t place where he’d heard it before.

“Levi, please!” The voice was getting louder, more frantic. Still, Levi couldn’t tell who it was or what it wad trying to tell him.

_I wish he would be quiet. It was so peaceful here before the voice started._

“He can’t hear you.” It’s a new voice this time, a woman’s voice. Levi recognized this one too, but still couldn’t quite place it.

 _I can too hear you!_ He thought petulantly. _And might I add that you’re making quite the racket!_

“Eren,” the woman’s voice said, and Levi froze in the nothingness.

 _Eren… I know that name._ Suddenly, the memories began rushing back to him. He remembered titans and he remembered the failed mission out of the walls, but most of all, he remembered the bright-eyed brat with more hope and determination than he’d ever seen in anyone before.

“There’s not much we can do now,” the woman (who Levi know recognized as Hanji) continued. “I’ve stabilized him as much as I can. Now it’s up to Levi to fight through this. All we can do is hope.”

 _I have to fight_ , Levi thought. _I have to wake up._

“Please, Corporal,” Eren whispered. “Please come back to me. I need you.”

Levi felt his heart skip a beat. _I’m coming brat_.

 

Eren gasped as Levi’s eyes suddenly shot open.

“Corporal!” he cried in shock and relief, throwing himself at the small man. Levi cringed at the sudden contact, but Eren didn’t seem to notice.

“I thought I’d lost you! I thought you were gone, that you had left me for good.” Tears of relief streamed down Eren’s eyes as he embraced his superior. Levi grunted, propping himself up to look around. He was in the infirmary. The only light in the room was coming from a small candle on the table by the bed. The room was silent aside from Eren’s relieved cries. Hanji stood at the foot of Levi’s bed and winked at the Corporal before sneaking out of the room, leaving Eren and Levi alone.

“Pull yourself together, brat,” Levi grunted, pushing Eren off of his wounds, but not entirely off of the bed. Eren blushed and stood up awkwardly.

“Sorry Corporal. I was just so worried. If you had died saving me, I don’t think I ever would have forgiven myself.”

Levi drew in a sharp breath. What happened to the Eren who cowered every time he saw Levi?

“I hope that’s not true,” Levi said softly. “We’re soldiers. If I died, you’d have to pick yourself up and keep going forward.”

“I know that, but it’s just, well it’s different with you.”

“What do you mean, Eren?” Levi could feel his heart beating quickly as he waited for Eren to respond, but the boy simply ducked his face and shrugged.

“Ah, never mind,” he said quickly. “It was nothing. I should go and let you rest.” He turned and started to make his way to the door but Levi grabbed him by the wrist, pulling him back to the side of the bed.

“Brat, I’ve already been resting for hours. If anything, you’re the one who needs rest!” Levi peered up at Eren’s face, just noticing how pale the boy was. There were dark circles under his eyes that could have rivaled his own! “Have you slept at all since the mission?”

Eren shook his head. “No, sir, I’ve been here the whole time. I was too worried to sleep. I had to make sure you woke up. Even now, I’m still a little bit afraid that this is just a dream, and when I wake up you’ll still be in critical condition.” Eren blushed at his confession.

“Do you want me to prove that I’m real and not just a dream?” Levi asked, a faint trace of mischief in his tone. Eren looked the Corporal straight in the eyes, his own green eyes widened as he considered Levi’s words.

“I suppose you could try,” Eren said slowly, eyes still locked with Levi’s. Suddenly, Levi lifted himself into a sitting position and grabbed the back of Eren’s neck, pulling him down until they were eye level with one another and then latching his lips onto Eren’s. Eren tensed in shock for only a moment before closing his eyes and leaning into the kiss. Levi gently bit Eren’s lip and the boy opened his mouth in surprise, giving Levi just the opportunity he needed to deepen the kiss, slipping his tongue into Eren’s mouth. The kiss was passionate and desperate, as though the moment would disappear if they slowed down. Finally, they broke apart, panting slightly.

“I guess you must be real,” Eren breathed, and Levi chuckled softly.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to do that,” Levi said. “But after all of that shit that I put you through your first few months in the corps, I thought I’d never get to.”

Eren smiled. “That’s true, but these last couple of months have been really great. I feel so much more welcome now with both you and the rest of the scouts. I’ve actually really enjoyed getting to know you better.”

“Me too, brat. I’m just glad that you’re able to see past my initial abuse. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to redeem myself from that. I’m so sorry for putting you through that.”

“I know, Corporal. But I _have_ moved past it now. Our relationship is completely different now than it was then. When you collapsed in the mission the other day, I was so scared. I thought I was going to lose you before I could tell you how I really feel.”

“What do you mean, Eren?”

“I mean, well, I mean that I love you, Corporal.” Eren’s voice was strong and determined as he confessed his feelings for Levi, not breaking eye contact once. Levi’s eyes widened and, if possible, his heart started beating even faster than it already was.

“I love you too, Eren.” Levi said and Eren smiled, leaning down to push their lips together again, but this time, the kiss was slower and more deliberate. They had all the time in the world.

“I love you, Eren,” Levi mumbled into the kiss. “I love you so much. I will never let anything happen to you again, not by my hand, not by another’s hand, and not by a titan.”

 

People called Levi a jerk. They called him cold. They called him heartless. Yes, he could at times be all of these things, but he was also so much more. He was loyal, caring, passionate, and brave. And when he fell in love, he never turned back. Because love can conquer all evils. It gives people the strength to push forward, gives them the will to survive, and gives them the desire to fight. Levi may have been Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, but Eren was his Hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I can't believe I actually finished this! It ended up being way longer than I was expecting from my first fic. I hope it didn't seem too choppy or anything. I plan on continuing to write and post, so hopefully, my future stories will continue to improve as my own writing abilities improve.  
> Anyways, I want to thank everyone who read, favorited, followed, and commented on my fic. It really warmed my heart reading all of your support and seeing how many views I was receiving. Also, I really liked hearing your suggestions and commentary on the story.  
> I'm not entirely sure if I made the change in Eren and Levi's relationship gradual enough, but just remember that abuse is NOT okay, and I am not vouching for it in any way.  
> Overall, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed! <3


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